(Editor’s Note: This isn’t an actual interview with Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. We tried to call him, tweet him; we even camped outside of Quicken Loans Arena for three days hoping to just run into him, but alas, he didn’t return our request for an interview or show up to his home away from home…maybe he was at the JACK, instead. Anyway, we decided to conduct the interview anyway and did our best to answer as Dan would have.)
Talk the Land: Dan, so glad you could take the time to sit down with us, especially now that free agency has officially started.
Dan Gilbert: That started today?
TTL: Well, yes. You didn’t know?
DG: Sure, sure. It’s just that I’ve been so busy. I was at the White House the other day talking to Don about progress we’ve made in Detroit and Cleveland, building casinos to help the poor and downtrodden.
TTL: That’s great, Dan–
DG: Please, call me “Title Town Dan.” That’s what I’m going by now. That, or “Savior of Cleveland Basketball.”
TTL: I’m sorry, what?
DG: I think it has a nice ring to it. Get it, “ring.” (We had to wait four minutes for him to stop chuckling to himself and repeating the word ring.)
TTL: Alright. So, has there been any progress in the talks with Chauncey Billups to take over as President of Basketball Operations?
DG: Ring. I kill myself. Where were we?
TTL: Chauncey Billups.
DG: Chauncey is a great guy. He’ll be a great addition to the Cavs, just like Tom Izzo and John Calipari before him. I’m constantly in talks with Chauncey and expect to have an answer from him really soon.
TTL: How soon? We’ve already been through the NBA Draft and the first day of free agency is almost over. Do you have any plans moving forward? Players you’re going to target? Or are you going to leave that to Billups if he takes the job?
DG: That was a lot of questions at once.
TTL: Would you like me to repeat them?
TTL: Are you going to answer them?
TTL: (insert crickets sound effect here)
DG: We’re fine. We’re one year removed from being NBA Champions. I think we’re still the best team in the East.
TTL: Of course you are. Everyone just got traded to the Western Conference.
DG: Did they? I’ve been partying with Kyle Schwarber since Thursday.
TTL: Is there any truth to the reports that you offered Kevin Love to the Nuggets in hopes of landing Paul George?
DG: I talked to Stan about that. Thought we had a deal, but then Pritch bailed. I haven’t talked to him since. Why? Did George get traded?
TTL: To Oklahoma City. For Oladipo and Sabonis. Plus a future 1st.
TTL: Don’t you think if you still had an experienced front office guy, like, I don’t know, David Griffin–
DG: HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED!
TTL: David Griff–
DG: I BUILT THOSE TEAMS! IT WAS MY MONEY! I GOT LEBRON BACK!
TTL: Dan, calm down. Breathe.
DG: Sorry, sorry. Listen. We’ve got a great plan in place. I trust Koby completely and once Chauncey is done with the BIG3, he assured me that Stephen Jackson and Larry Hughes will sign for the vet minimum and we’ll be fine.
TTL: I’m sorry, what?
DG: Listen, this has been great. I’ve got some stuff to do. Got a team to run. (Here his phone buzzes and he looks down) Man. LBJ again. He’s been texting me for days. I guess I should finally answer him.
And with that, he swept out of the room to parts unknown.
In all seriousness, it’s probably best that we don’t all get into panic mode, but aside from a willingness to spend money like it’s going out of style, to put all your apples in a very unknown basket is terrifying.
Also, some relationships might be a bit difficult to repair by letting it be known that you are being put out there in trade talks might make someone a little resentful of their place on the team next year (see: Love, Kevin and Shumpert, Iman.)
Or maybe he doesn’t care. Basketball is a business, right?
Chauncey Billups has absolutely no experience running a basketball team outside of a yearly fantasy league with the rest of the guys over at ESPN. That isn’t to say he won’t be able to do it, but it’s a better bet that he’d fail than succeed, isn’t it? As for letting David Griffin just walk, that in itself speaks volumes of what Gilbert must think of himself and the organization he’s built since he bought this team.
Then again, he did have the luxury of the greatest player of his generation fall into his lap not once, but twice. Not to mention three NBA Draft Lottery wins in four years. And established general managers who turned draft picks and expiring contracts (magically) into great players and pieces who got you to three straight NBA Championships.
To be able to ask Dan Gilbert exactly what his process is right now is every Cavs’ fans dream…I know it’s mine.
That and an Indians World Series win. Screw you, Kyle Schwarber.
Were there any questions we missed? Let us know in the comments below or hit us up on Twitter @TalktheLand.